Lia Thomas: “I’m Going For An Olympic Gold Medal”

In a statement Thursday, the Ivy League Conference backed the NCAA on the UPenn swim team controversy, Ryan Gaydos reported for Fox News Friday.

Late last month, the New York Post’s Yaron Steinbuch reported that “A USA Swimming official who resigned in protest of transgender swimmer Lia Thomas who has been shattering women’s records at the University of Pennsylvania has doubled down on her objection to ‘biological men’ in the sport.” I kind of like what Thomas is doing here.

I’ve been watching the Olympic games, trying to figure out which one would be the easiest for me to win a gold medal in.

I haven’t been training athletics to the standards that would get me there in men’s sports. Still, since I was thinking about transitioning to female anyway, I’m just going to go for it, and not only will I get to be a woman, but also I’ve been watching the women’s events. I’m pretty sure I could stomp all over these women in most of them with some training even after taking a year’s worth of pink pills to block and lower my T levels and ideally boost my E levels to something near a woman’s natural blood serum concentration.

I was kidding about going for the gold medal, though. I don’t need to kick ass, be a beautiful princess, and be number one for the day on top of all of that.

That would be an immodest excess, taking advantage of my years on T to bump one of these other female athletes off the stage and downgrade everybody else’s hardware so I can be number one. Instead of blowing the lid off these records, why not just slide in gracefully right behind number three into fourth place while making it look easy?

Girlie, that’s what I’d be doing. Instead of exploiting an odd advantage, you have in the system with all the fury of George Soros shorting the Pound after noting a disadvantage to the Queen’s money in the European Exchange Rate Mechanism. Come on, girl, why not be subtle with that kitty? She might be a woman, but if she blows out the records that hard, I question if she’s a lady.

When I compete in the tournaments, I will be right on number three’s butt the whole time. And barely not get third place every time, or whatever brings home the trophies or ribbons or whatever.

Instead of blowing past these other girls’ records, I’ll push their records up by being right behind the top performers and every time so tempted just to reveal my true powers and destroy them, but stay my true spirits and hold back my Rudolphs.

They’ll feel my energy, my ferocity, and be scared I’m going to get that ass, so they’ll run harder than they ever ran in their entire life. Ironically, I’m a female because most women are terrified of me. I will boost these female athletes’ records by entering the sport.

And even though I’m not up on the stage getting that hardware to take home and the flowers and everything, I’ll still see all the people who noticed me, looking at me and saying, hey you with the pretty face, welcome to the human race. And that’ll be enough.

No, who am I kidding?

It won’t be enough. Nothing is ever enough.

I’ll get hooked on the power, basking every tourney in the serene bliss of being number four, and I’ll want to be number one for the day. I’ll look up as usual and see number three flying ahead of me as fast as her terrified little legs will carry her and lose it.

I’ll bolt past her and hear her shriek in shock and awe as I pass number two with a palm out headshot sending her flying meters off the course and close in on number one.

Then I’ll explode past the hoe for number one and then shove it in these slow faces with an insane lead across the finish line!

The crowd will go wild.

Roaring applause all around as my defeated competitors collapse to the ground and hold their heads in disgrace, crying.

And as I take the stage and the trophy, and the tiara and flowers, and people start taking my picture, number two will look up at me and say, “Please tell us why you had to hide away for so long. Where did we go wrong?”

And I’ll look down at her, and I’ll say, “I was going to go easy on you not to hurt your feelings. But I’m only going to get this one chance.”